Writing

Accountability is Only for Regular Folk

Earlier today, I had a conversation with the management of the building that I live in. I have been trying to get them to take care of a reoccurring problem that they insist on just putting a patch on to send me on my way. The problem is that the patch is an inadequate and temporary fix to what is now an annoyingly painful problem to have to address every few weeks.

The people who work in the management office of my building are doing what they are paid to do—absolve and even deflect responsibility while spending the least amount of money. They are the disposable pawns of accountability that the owner put in place to distance himself from having to deal with said problems. In reality, that’s the face of success; you get high enough on the totem pole that you can delegate people to be relay a false sense of care.

I could complain until my face turns blue but holding this type of entity responsible for their inadequacy is a long game. Trying to get someone to right a wrong is already hard enough and our culture has different expectations for a regular person. If your sister, son or friend does something, you want the truth. Possibly even a believable explanation and an action plan to prevent it from happening again. I can easily stand on my soapbox with my powerpoint presentation and perfectly organized print outs of what went wrong and force you to acknowledge it. Maybe even force you to do something.

But I cannot take that same energy to my local town hall along with my poster boards of grievances because they will probably just take down my name, then shoo me off the premises. We have created barriers between the little people and the avenue of change to prevent there from being any. These roadblocks exist to discourage you from actually fighting for things that help you.

These tactics are meant to keep us small and compliant. Regular people take these positions and are just trying to get home to their families. I get it—it’s just a part of life but in the end it puts everyone at a disadvantage.

The notion of being too big to fail is a real thing because it’s systemic. As long as thirty people exist between you and a person that can actually help you, you are probably in for a long journey of run arounds.

Accountability is not only a means of acknowledgment and correction, it is a symbol of respect. That’s the main focus when it is brought up among peers. Do you respect me or my complaint enough to deal with this problem without incident? For the issue in my building, the management likely sees me as a talking checkbook. Their only concern is whether or not that electronic check is processed on the first. I am their guarantee of a paycheck every two weeks so it’s in there best interest to run me in circles until I give up.

I thought about all the times I was seeking action from acknowledgment. In some instances holding someone or something  accountable gave me peace of mind or improved my life in someway. In others, it made more sense to just let it go. The question remains, should you allow yourself to go away quietly? It depends on the scope of the issue. Sometimes it makes sense to let the principle outweigh the stakes. There is integrity in fighting for yourself and what you know is right, even if it means you will lose. Accountability matters and in a few cases it only takes one person to champion change. 

 

Forgiveness is an Illusion of Empathy

Say the words, I forgive you. It’s easy to convince yourself that you have, because you have said it countless times before. That phrase lingers daintily after heated arguments and broken hearts.

Can you really? Is it truly possible to sit face to face with the person that has wronged, lied, hurt or done things that caused you to question your own humanity and believe it?

For most people I would say, no. In order to access these feelings, you have to have a sense of peace that mirrors a monk. Their is certainly power behind emotion that moves us in ways we don’t always understand. In order to truly forgive, you are admitting to yourself that you can live with it; the hurt and the pain without constantly mustering feelings of animosity.

We often give ourselves too much credit and hold pride in trying to be emotionally elevated. In reality, very few people are equipped to deal with the emotional maturity that it takes to forgive someone.

If the person responsible for the event evokes extreme feelings in you, it will be nearly impossible to separate them from said event. You have to make peace with the person, in light of their indiscretions to move past whatever it is that hurt you.

For example: relationships that have dealt with infidelity, tend to circle endlessly around the cheating because the jilted lover hasn’t truly forgiven the person. The actions that resulted in the confrontation are long gone, but the semblance still remains.

The pressure to move on from situations and deal with them in a timely matter is a condition of society. Holding anger in any situation too long can get you labeled bitter, petty or just incapable of letting the past go. So, in order to side step the labels most people rather pretend.

It’s easier to rise to higher elevations by faking the healing, rather than actually taking the time needed to sew up the wounds. Friends and family will undoubtedly come to give you the proverbial pat on the back for taking the high road and finally getting over it.

If forgiveness doesn’t work for you, that’s okay too. Maybe in certain situations, it’s okay to deduce that some aren’t meant to be forgiven. For everyone else, we will run the mill and before you know it, that phrase will be ready to surface again.

…Before you say those words again, have you convinced yourself?


This post originally appeared on Medium

We Consistently Pledge Allegiance to Expectations

The first time you probably pledged allegiance to anything was in your kindergarten class. You stood up, placed your hand across your heart and recited the paragraph. We did it because we were told to. In essence, there’s no real reason for a five-year-old to adopt this form of patriotism. None of us were planing any treasonous activity in between eating crayons and gummy bears.

This form of conditioning taught us to have undeniable loyalty to certain things: country, family, friends, jobs or anything really. We are expected to be loyal without a question and to a fault.

I’m sure you know a few people who could care less who they leave behind in their opportunistic quests. Others are simply presented with a choice. Self-preservation reminds us that people will almost always choose themselves over someone else. Loyalty in this condition is a faulty concept — it’s set up to fail.

Families are the first place to look for loyalty, yet that’s where the disappointment usually begins. They are structures made up of impressionable human beings — bonded by blood and strong cultural associations. We depend on our families for everything growing up and continue to seek that ‘protection’ into adulthood. The people we have around us as children are our first glimpse of how people interact in intimate settings. Blood is indeed thicker than water but it can easily be diluted by intention.

Friendships are extensions of the archetype of family bonds. A person literally adopts someone else into their life to serve as a secondary lifeline of support. Finding good friends is about as easy as picking a needle out of a haystack. You can give the most vulnerable parts of yourself to someone who has no real obligation to you. Bonds between people change as circumstances do. The same goes for romantic relationships and jobs, it’s all consumerism.

The exchange of needs, wants and desires between two people or a person and a bottom line. The truth is we all use each other for completely selfish reasons: money, companionship or goals. Through these exchanges, loyalty is the best way to keep the connection going. The brain is saying, I want this happiness to continue or I need this stream of income to continue so I will do what I have to do to keep it in my life.

We adapt and change accordingly to make this happen. By doing so we want the best outcome possible. The expectation is that we will be rewarded for all of our dedication and hard work. The time invested in a person or thing will eventually pay off until it doesn’t. Family bonds do break, relationships end, friends become strangers and people lose their jobs every day.

That’s just the way it can play out. Should that deter loyalty in the next opportunity that presents itself? No. Loyalty is an admirable trait and should be treated as such. Experience teaches us to be mindful in dealing with others and to adjust our expectation levels to coincide with reality.


The post first appeared on Medium

Energy is Transformative Not Just Transferrable

Energy can be regarded as pseudoscience that mystics are peddling at tarot card readings. Mystics and others alike will tell you it is indeed a presence—its own being. Everyone feels it; it exists between people and in situations.

Many times people refer to it as an instinct. Have you ever heard someone say, I just felt it in my gut? That’s the transference of energy. You shouldn’t discount how things make you feel because your initial emotion towards something is almost never wrong.

Interpersonal connections become stronger the longer you interact with someone. The energy that engulfs your relationship can effect you for better or worse. The notion that you are who you friends are is evident because people change to adapt to their environment—even if it seems involuntary. Depending on the value of the interaction, the transformation can be quite drastic.

The ability to spot the change in yourself is the level of self awareness you need to let it or stop it from happening. People change for a variety of reasons: the need to be liked, the joy that comes from having any connection with another person and plain coercion.

Unfortunately, self awareness is a level that is only unlocked after much hardship and undue stress. Sometimes the best way to learn your own limits is through experience. This way you can set your boundaries with others early and protect your energy.

Energy is a tool in determining which situations are useful and those that are draining. You always have the power to transform into the best version of yourself. No one can change your energy unless you let them.

 

Are You One Dimensional?

When meeting someone new, how long does it take for you to decide whether or not you want to know more about them? Five, ten or even twenty minutes? First impressions count for reasons we may not want to admit; interactions between people are highly superficial.

I am not positive if we are socialized this way or it’s instinctual. Maybe its some type of a desperate ode to the survival of the fittest. It is easy to get caught up in the semantics of it all. Who are you? What do you do? What have you done? Never realizing that we are weaponizing triumphs and failures against each other.

Learning these facts about someone else, aid in the stuffing of their entire existence into a category. Often times getting out of these assigned seats leaves someone subject to being criticized and even shamed. An example: celebrities have no place in contributing anything useful to society other than what their brand peddles.

One aspect of someone’s life is just that — one. Defining someone by arbitrary things and then punishing them when other parts are revealed, is too common. Reputations are built on this exact premise. One must exude perfection 24/7 without skipping a beat. We all have come to expect it.

The life of a person is made up of many complex factors. The different parts of you are allowed to live separately but in the same place. The pressure that we put on one another to uphold these ridiculous expectations is unrealistic.

I always find myself coming back to the line in the animated movie Shrek, where he tells Donkey that ‘ogres are made of layers’. Donkey misses the point completely but that line always resonated with me. Many times we’re so busy trying to sell our identities to people that we fool ourselves; falsely correlating to things that we aspire to be — not necessarily to who we are.

Then consequently, we apply the same rules to anyone who crosses our path. Are we buying what they are selling? If so, that’s the version of that must upheld. The cycle repeats and continues to breed superficiality. Society is robbing itself of deep and meaningful connections in the name of vanity.


This post originally appeared on Medium.

Belong

How hard is it to exist in this moment,
comfortable within your own skin?

Balanced between the frightful and the fear.

How hard is it to achieve the impossible,
breaking down unimpressive barriers?

Preparing for a sublime future.

How hard is it to belong to the thoughts,
capturing a grander masterpiece of the mind?

Walking to the drum that beats inside you.

Double Edged

Seeing is believing until you have been deceived,
time will tell when you wish you could still concede.

But all who have been left in the weeds no longer wish to see,
and in the end it is not I who takes the knee.

Those who were too deceived to believe, know that you are not the only one who truly needed to see.